Amongst the many blogs I read, I periodically check in on Tim Bray’s. Back in February, he wrote an entry titled Love Your Children, where he linked to Daniel Steinberg’s blog titled Dear Elena, which after reading the first entry, I had to subscribe to it, too. (If you decide to read it, I suggest starting from the first entry and working your way towards the most recent one.)
At first, I thought I shared a lot with Daniel, in that I am also the father of two daughters. From his blog, it’s clear that he has a lot of fond memories and love for his daughters, and his recent loss is having an incredible impact on his family’s life. I try my best to sympathize and as I read what more and more he writes, I’m filled with an incredible sense of sadness. At first, I thought it was because I could share in his pain, his loss, but I’ve never lost a loved one like he has; I really have no idea what he’s gone through. Then, it struck me: reading what he’s written makes me sad because I don’t feel the same way about my own kids. I don’t know how I’d feel if one of my daughters had suddenly passed away, but I’m haunted by the feeling that I wouldn’t feel the same way he seems to, based on what he’s written. Somehow, that’s made me feel–or, realize–that I really am the bad father I’ve always suspected I am.
This week, I’m busy preparing to get my things in order to leave this weekend. My wife and I are separating and in a sense, I’m losing both of my children. I have no idea what to expect, how it will and should make me feel, or if I’m even doing “the right thing,” but I know that the way I currently feel about my life and my family, I don’t belong here. I don’t belong. Those three words sound so strange but they sound so right. They really describe how I feel about me and how I fit into this world. I just don’t belong.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last four years now and I’ve been told that I’m not like everyone else. I’m not normal. I don’t belong. Maybe I’m not just a bad father, but I’m a bad person. I treat people poorly. I know I do. But, not just other people, I treat myself the same way. I don’t like me and I don’t really expect other people to like me, either.
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Mikki says:
Mil says:
Raghu says:
Just because someone else is eloquent with expressing their love for their children, doesn’t mean you love your children less. I love my son far more than I can express. I’m sure there is some of that in your feelings.
Just tonight, my wife and I were talking about our childhoods, and we touched on something: Just being there is probably the most important thing we can do for our kids.
The fact that you recognize you could do better means you’re a better father than you fear. If you weren’t thinking of things to change, then maybe you’d fall into the “bad dad” camp.
I just finished reading “The Great Divorce” by C.S. Lewis. Between reading the book and discussing it in our Lenten series at Church, it helped me give my shortcomings shape. Maybe you can find some inspiration in there, as well.
Best of luck, and know that there are plenty of people that feel you do belong.
I have lurked on the AOLServer listserve for a few years, and one thing crystal clear to me is that you are a thoughtful, generous, helpful, committed, compassionate, insightful, and very smart person. Hell yes you’re different than many other people, but that’s part of what’s GOOD about you, not bad. My uninformed guess is that you could use some muscle strengthening in the area of accepting who you are and building on that as a strength. If you can be open to it, I very highly recommend The Landmark Forum — a great place to figure out who you are, learn to powerfully live a life you love, and bring joy to your life and the lives of those around you. In three days and $425 — not much to risk — you can open up new realms of possibility for yourself. The personal transformations I’ve undergone myself and witnessed in many others in the Landmark programs are incredible. Go to http://www.landmarkeducation.com for details.
You are not alone, for I sometimes struggle with the haunting reality of being “A Bad Father”. Its hard to compare to some of the amazing parents that don’t hesitate to flex their muscles in your face. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that there are numerous fathers that are better than me. But when you step back, and really take a close look at the big picture, it helps to realize that we are all surrounded by a mixture of excellent, average, good, and horrible fathers. I know that I am not the best father in the mix, and you may not be either, but I can say with confidence that I’m not the worst. I do care, and acknowledging my weaknesses. By doing something positive to correct it, I believe it can only make me a better father then before. I do not know you, but I can tell from the brief description that you care about your kids, and this alone is enough to tell me that you ahead of most people in our mix. And even if you do not, compare yourself to the drug addicts, and murder’s that could give a rats ass. I am going through some hard times right now(possible divorce.. etc.. ) However, I’m going to try to do my best, and keep my head high. Acknowledge your weaknesses, but at the same time, realize that what you do with this realization is important. It sounds like you are twisting your reality into something negative, but if you twist it the other way around, you may see that you belong after all. We sometimes hit rock bottom, but that only means that our uphill climb back to the top is near. Lift your head up, and start climbing. You belong on that path uphill, not stuck at the bottom. I am on my way up too brother.. Join the ride.. You belong on it.. Take care…
Thanks, everyone, for your kind words of support. Looking back almost a year later, now … I’m still not feeling whole, but I am feeling better.