Amongst the many blogs I read, I periodically check in on Tim Bray‘s. Back in February, he wrote an entry titled Love Your Children, where he linked to Daniel Steinberg’s blog titled Dear Elena, which after reading the first entry, I had to subscribe to it, too. (If you decide to read it, I suggest starting from the first entry and working your way towards the most recent one.)
At first, I thought I shared a lot with Daniel, in that I am also the father of two daughters. From his blog, it’s clear that he has a lot of fond memories and love for his daughters, and his recent loss is having an incredible impact on his family’s life. I try my best to sympathize and as I read what more and more he writes, I’m filled with an incredible sense of sadness. At first, I thought it was because I could share in his pain, his loss, but I’ve never lost a loved one like he has; I really have no idea what he’s gone through. Then, it struck me: reading what he’s written makes me sad because I don’t feel the same way about my own kids. I don’t know how I’d feel if one of my daughters had suddenly passed away, but I’m haunted by the feeling that I wouldn’t feel the same way he seems to, based on what he’s written. Somehow, that’s made me feel–or, realize–that I really am the bad father I’ve always suspected I am.
This week, I’m busy preparing to get my things in order to leave this weekend. My wife and I are separating and in a sense, I’m losing both of my children. I have no idea what to expect, how it will and should make me feel, or if I’m even doing “the right thing,” but I know that the way I currently feel about my life and my family, I don’t belong here. I don’t belong. Those three words sound so strange but they sound so right. They really describe how I feel about me and how I fit into this world. I just don’t belong.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last four years now and I’ve been told that I’m not like everyone else. I’m not normal. I don’t belong. Maybe I’m not just a bad father, but I’m a bad person. I treat people poorly. I know I do. But, not just other people, I treat myself the same way. I don’t like me and I don’t really expect other people to like me, either.
Related posts:
Programmer, husband, father, singer, guitarist, tinkerer, reverse engineer, strange, and living in New Jersey. 
Just because someone else is eloquent with expressing their love for their children, doesn’t mean you love your children less. I love my son far more than I can express. I’m sure there is some of that in your feelings.
Just tonight, my wife and I were talking about our childhoods, and we touched on something: Just being there is probably the most important thing we can do for our kids.
The fact that you recognize you could do better means you’re a better father than you fear. If you weren’t thinking of things to change, then maybe you’d fall into the “bad dad” camp.
I just finished reading “The Great Divorce” by C.S. Lewis. Between reading the book and discussing it in our Lenten series at Church, it helped me give my shortcomings shape. Maybe you can find some inspiration in there, as well.
Best of luck, and know that there are plenty of people that feel you do belong.
I have lurked on the AOLServer listserve for a few years, and one thing crystal clear to me is that you are a thoughtful, generous, helpful, committed, compassionate, insightful, and very smart person. Hell yes you’re different than many other people, but that’s part of what’s GOOD about you, not bad. My uninformed guess is that you could use some muscle strengthening in the area of accepting who you are and building on that as a strength. If you can be open to it, I very highly recommend The Landmark Forum — a great place to figure out who you are, learn to powerfully live a life you love, and bring joy to your life and the lives of those around you. In three days and $425 — not much to risk — you can open up new realms of possibility for yourself. The personal transformations I’ve undergone myself and witnessed in many others in the Landmark programs are incredible. Go to http://www.landmarkeducation.com for details.
You are not alone, for I sometimes struggle with the haunting reality of being “A Bad Father”. Its hard to compare to some of the amazing parents that don’t hesitate to flex their muscles in your face. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that there are numerous fathers that are better than me. But when you step back, and really take a close look at the big picture, it helps to realize that we are all surrounded by a mixture of excellent, average, good, and horrible fathers. I know that I am not the best father in the mix, and you may not be either, but I can say with confidence that I’m not the worst. I do care, and acknowledging my weaknesses. By doing something positive to correct it, I believe it can only make me a better father then before. I do not know you, but I can tell from the brief description that you care about your kids, and this alone is enough to tell me that you ahead of most people in our mix. And even if you do not, compare yourself to the drug addicts, and murder’s that could give a rats ass. I am going through some hard times right now(possible divorce.. etc.. ) However, I’m going to try to do my best, and keep my head high. Acknowledge your weaknesses, but at the same time, realize that what you do with this realization is important. It sounds like you are twisting your reality into something negative, but if you twist it the other way around, you may see that you belong after all. We sometimes hit rock bottom, but that only means that our uphill climb back to the top is near. Lift your head up, and start climbing. You belong on that path uphill, not stuck at the bottom. I am on my way up too brother.. Join the ride.. You belong on it.. Take care…
Thanks, everyone, for your kind words of support. Looking back almost a year later, now … I’m still not feeling whole, but I am feeling better.
I am a bad father! It’s been said that just being there for your kids is enough. well i am guilty of not being there…from my son’s age 15 on I’ve slowly cut him out of my life.
The new women in my life does not get along with my son and here i am with her not him.
He’s a greast person and i love him more than i can say. but still i continue down this path of destruction..it’s slowly killing me…you see i love her also…this is tareing apart inside. My life is becoming more and more meaningless every day I’m apart from him. It hurts a lot around holidays especialy fathers day.I just want to say I’m sorry for what I’ve done to him and then die. that would be my just reward my carma my legacy.
Don,
I can’t imagine what you must be going through, but I know one thing: It’s never too late. Looking back at the words above that I wrote 5 years ago, I can say that I’m not the same person now that I was back then. Only you know what you truly want — not what you think you’re supposed to want, but what you really, genuinely want. And, if what you really want is to have a relationship with your son, then you can make that happen.
It might not be easy — he may not want one with you at this point, and may never want one — but you should never give up, if it’s what you truly want.
Every journey starts with a single step. Make up your mind and take that first step. In the worst case, you die a fool for trying, which is no worse off than you are now. However, you can’t even begin to imagine what the best case could possibly be … endless possibilities.
Good luck, and thanks for sharing your story. It’s helpful to know that we’re not alone and that we’re all broken and flawed in many ways. Do the best you can.
Well, I am actually reading this by accident -was trying to get back to Twitter Karma… but I do want to say something.
My childhood was a broken home… everyone made such a big deal out of it. I didn’t care, except the part that we never saw my father until the day he got angry at my mother and took custody of us. That was a bad father… any parent who uses the children as leverage is a bad parent. Though, I can assure you, saying you won’t do it is far easier than not doing it.
When I wanted to get my divorce, more than a few years back, I was very worried that the divorce would hurt my children. However, therapy turned out unnecessary, they didn’t care. When I teach up at the local school, you can find any number of children who will say “Man, I wish my parents would get divorce, I want to have three Christmases next year!” My children have a grandparent Christmas, a Christmas here, and one with their father.
Over the years, it has come to my attention that there are levels of fatherhood – levels of degrees to how a father is a good or bad father – and that only the children can really tell you if you were a good parent.
My father thought he was a “good” father, but I think he was a terrible father. My ex thinks he is a good father… let me say that I will refrain from comment.
What do I think a good father is made up of? I think that a good father is any man who is willing to put his own needs aside when his children need them. That any good parent will remember that it is important to have their “own” time, but that all parents should be available to their children.
Not all children need the same amount of attention, but if you are always there when they need you, you do your best to always provide for them the things you both (mother and father) agree they need, and you do not spoil or beat your children… then you have been a good father.
That is all it is, really, be there when they need you.
Thanks, Jennifer.
Wow life is funny I truely believe i dedicated my life to my children and yesterday my 18 year old daughter told me i was a bad father and husband. There was a big explosion between my wife and son and everyone got involved, I do not tolerate a disrespect but I can’t bring myself to smaking my 17 yr old son for a stupid coment. Everyone seems to be unhappy and i am not sure why. I have been there for my kids for everything, my life evolved around them and this blows me away. I honestly think they have become spoiled and unapreciative and I told them that. Not sure what is going on…beam me up scotty
Ray, you’ve got to be kidding me. Reading your words was exactly like hearing my dad, except I’m a 22 year old professional now, so the “spoiled kid” excuse doesn’t wash. Even if it did, he would only have himself to blame for it. When you say you dedicated your life to your children, do you mean you were there for financial support, buying them nice holidays, sending them to good schools etc….or did you genuinely give up your time to listen to them? My guess is it was only the former, and you can’t buy respect. So take some time to examine your relationships and drop the denial act asap.
I know more than anyone how you feel right now.I am a father to my 15 month old son.It’s a fulltime thing and i juggle him and college.I have suffered from depression and mental illness for quite some time and i certainly don’t fit in anywhere.I do love my son so much but at times i feel constrained and i feel i’m not doing enough with him in certain areas.
I’m younger than most dads (19) and i kinda in a selfish way wish i could do more with my life.
I guess the one thing that i could say is i am all that he has.His mum gave up full custody to me as she couldn’t handle caring for him.What keeps me going is i don’t want to let him down.
Hang in there, Kyle. Just do your best to get through each and every day, together. Reach out for help when you need it. Surround yourself with people who care about you both.
Thanks for sharing your story.
What would you do? My ex did everything she could to keep me from seeing my son. Moving around (to live) alot. After 3 years I quit paying child support. I was hoping she would take me to court so I knew where she was at so I could see him. It ended up 10 years later we hooked up but our meeting turned out as my son pointing the finger at me. I tried!! Unfortunately she lived 3 hours away oneway. Afer 2 dozen times making that trip I gave up (sad to say) We did finally get in touch and I am trying my best to pay the past balance.