Comments on: I need to learn to have productive arguments http://dossy.org/2007/04/i-need-to-learn-to-have-productive-arguments/ Everything that comes out of Dossy, from the strange to the banal. Wed, 16 May 2012 14:29:55 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Steve Goguen http://dossy.org/2007/04/i-need-to-learn-to-have-productive-arguments/comment-page-1/#comment-678 Steve Goguen Sun, 15 Apr 2007 17:14:26 +0000 http://dossy.org/archives/000431.html#comment-678 Found out I should I take my own advice today. Was fighting with my wife and we'd come back to a point which I thought we'd resolved. Turns out I forgot to tell her that I agreed with her on that point. Could have probably saved myself a lot of grief if I had done it in the first place. Found out I should I take my own advice today. Was fighting with my wife and we’d come back to a point which I thought we’d resolved. Turns out I forgot to tell her that I agreed with her on that point. Could have probably saved myself a lot of grief if I had done it in the first place.

]]> By: Steve Goguen http://dossy.org/2007/04/i-need-to-learn-to-have-productive-arguments/comment-page-1/#comment-677 Steve Goguen Tue, 10 Apr 2007 20:10:21 +0000 http://dossy.org/archives/000431.html#comment-677 Seeing how we both know you enjoy being adversarial, I think it would be boring if I gave you a bunch of "gee-whiz let's all get along" and "win-win" advice. <b>Letting Them Know You Know</b> I think the key idea is to focus on making sure the other person knows you understand them. This is especially true if you're trying to sell an idea that's counter-intuitive. They'll just think you don't get it and your counter-intuitive ideas will only confirm their suspicions, especially if your counter-intuitive ideas are based on subtle and nuanced premises. <b>Mapping Enemy Territory</b> Making a person understand that you understand them requires patience. You have to take the time to carefully listen to the person you're arguing with and take the time to ask them honest questions. You'll need to take your time with this so you can pick up on the nuances of their positions. You don't have to agree with them, just explain their own ideas back to them in a way that satisfies them. Once you've done that, you've convinced them you're worth talking to, and you might even get their ear. <b>On to the Kill</b> Now that you've convinced them you understand their ideas, you can address your objections by framing it with their ideas and premises. Seeing how we both know you enjoy being adversarial, I think it would be boring if I gave you a bunch of “gee-whiz let’s all get along” and “win-win” advice.

Letting Them Know You Know
I think the key idea is to focus on making sure the other person knows you understand them. This is especially true if you’re trying to sell an idea that’s counter-intuitive. They’ll just think you don’t get it and your counter-intuitive ideas will only confirm their suspicions, especially if your counter-intuitive ideas are based on subtle and nuanced premises.

Mapping Enemy Territory
Making a person understand that you understand them requires patience. You have to take the time to carefully listen to the person you’re arguing with and take the time to ask them honest questions. You’ll need to take your time with this so you can pick up on the nuances of their positions. You don’t have to agree with them, just explain their own ideas back to them in a way that satisfies them. Once you’ve done that, you’ve convinced them you’re worth talking to, and you might even get their ear.

On to the Kill
Now that you’ve convinced them you understand their ideas, you can address your objections by framing it with their ideas and premises.

]]> By: Joe Grossberg http://dossy.org/2007/04/i-need-to-learn-to-have-productive-arguments/comment-page-1/#comment-676 Joe Grossberg Tue, 10 Apr 2007 18:01:49 +0000 http://dossy.org/archives/000431.html#comment-676 Yes, I agree with him. I need to start using the phrase "I agree with a lot of what you said, but ..." more often. Yes, I agree with him.

I need to start using the phrase “I agree with a lot of what you said, but …” more often.

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