During this past Monday’s therapy session, I said something which has
been stuck in my head, so I’m writing it down. I said:
I’m shallow and I’m okay with that. But, I’m empty. I’m shallow and empty. Now, that’s pathetic.
I don’t hate my wife and kids. I have a wonderful wife and great kids. I hate myself. That’s what it really is. That’s the sad truth. I don’t know what “love” is. Before you can love someone else, you have to be able to love yourself. And, I don’t.
Programmer, husband, father, singer, guitarist, tinkerer, reverse engineer, strange, and living in New Jersey. 
=( why dossy, why? no good =(
Tell me something I don’t know. :-P
So let’s do something about it.
Start with baby steps.
Eat better. Take a walk daily. Lay off the caffeine, alchohol, tobacco, et al. Look into yoga, meditation and breathing exercises. Take a multi-vitamin, and supplements like Fish Oil. Drink green tea. Read something offline, every day.
And even if this doesn’t work right away, you’ll at least have the feeling that you’re getting things moving in the right direction.
I’ve dealt with depression before, and had times in my life where I felt like total shit. But it’s not totally out of your control, and taking proactive steps to be healthier (physically and mentally) can make a difference.
Also, between the stress at home and the turmoil at work (or lack thereof), you have reasons to be stressed. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Joe: Thanks, I know the first recommendation is always diet and behavior modification, but I’m not interested in doing it again. Walking every day was great, and I actually eat pretty well. My vices are mild caffeine (soda) and tobacco–I’d rather be miserable than give those up right now.
I think what’s getting me down is the fact that I’m so incredibly busy–work, family stuff, etc.–yet I feel like I’m accomplishing so very little. Sure, I’m making good money and the bills are getting paid, but … so what?
I need a greater cause.
I’d suggest that loving yourself is a decision that you have to make. You have to just decide, “I love me”. No ifs and or butts. Just like you love your family. It’s unconditional.
Then, create the life that you want to live that will make you proud of you.
You should be very proud of yourself, already. You are a very sharp dude who has a loving family that you support. That stuff doesn’t just happen. It happens because you are great and because you made it happen.
So, what would you like to accomplish that will take you to the next level? What’s the greater cause?
Hey, dude, I love you, and you are absolutely somebody worth loving. Just thought you should know. Hope to see you soon, and good luck finding your way through the obstacles to your heart.