So, back in April I separated from my family because I just couldn’t live with them any more. After a month and several phone calls back and forth, my wife and I agreed to give things another chance and I came back home. Divorce didn’t really seem like a workable solution. The time apart helped me see that I really cared way too much about things that really didn’t matter. As apathetic as I thought I was before, I’m far more apathetic now and my life’s actually improved as a result.
After returning, I decided to find a new therapist. The one I’d been seeing for the last few years just wasn’t getting me anywhere. So, after a bit of procrastination, I’d made appointments to see a new psychiatrist and new psychologist. I wasn’t looking forward to starting all over again, but then, what did I have to lose? Towards the end of July, I met my new psychiatrist, Dr. P., and my new psychologist, Dr. H.
I’ve never tried antidepressants. Not because I thought I didn’t need them, but because I think selection is too random since we lack of sufficient understanding of the brain. Of course, the psychiatrist suggested I try out Paxil CR and started me on a 15mg dose for four weeks. Since my last visit, she’s recommended upping the dosage to 25mg and we’ll see how that goes. I’ll be finishing up the 15mg pills later this week and will start the 25mg right after.
If I was apprehensive about starting new drugs, I’m even more so about starting with a new psychotherapist. I’m not sure I believe that problems can be fixed by talking. In our first session, I speed-rambled through about 7 years of highlights between 1999 and 2006 as best I could in 45 minutes. I’m sure I missed a lot of important details, but I wanted to give Dr. H. an idea of where I’d been emotionally the last several years. During the conversation, I’d mentioned that I have what I’ll summarize as identity and acceptance issues: I’m perfectly comfortable with myself–who I am–and accept myself. This works fine for me in isolation, but unfortunately there’s a whole world of people out there that I have to interact with, most importantly my wife and children. My wife has her own list of my personality flaws which she’d like to see changed, but I’m extremely apprehensive about making them arbitrarily: I’d much rather be the way I am than change the “wrong” thing about myself and end up hating myself. So, Dr. H. suggested that I start keeping a journal (perhaps, like this blog?) as a means for introspection. This way, I can start looking at my life more objectively and come up with my own list of things I dislike about myself and then we can work on making changes through therapy. I definitely like this suggestion, but I need to overcome my inability to put my thoughts into writing which is a huge problem for me.
Consider this blog entry the first step in my self-improvement.