Too many thoughts swimming around in my head

I’ve been very depressed again and I just can’t seem to get my head in order. I’m going to try to get them all out here before the zombies eat my brain. In other words, I’m going to reduce my intellectual essence into a meaningless trail of bullet points:

  • Can my life–my thoughts, my feelings–be reduced to a list of bullet points?
  • I think I’m burned out on AOLserver. There’s so much I want to see happen but it’s more than I can do on my own.
  • I want to visit northern VA to hang out with my ex-coworker friends from AOL, but I just can’t motivate to make the 5 hour drive.
  • I hate fighting with my wife. I wish we could be happy together … happy with each other.
  • I’m glad my oldest daughter seems to have adjusted to public school okay.
  • I “know” a lot of people online, but I still feel incredibly lonely.
  • I’m really disappointed, but perhaps not surprised, that TWX stock is still tanking.
  • I hate being ugly.
  • I wish I weren’t so damn lazy.
  • Maybe I really do belong in California–my inability to find ubergeek friends in New Jersey is really making me sad.
  • I really don’t want to move to California. I don’t want to have to live in California.
  • How does some 6th grader raise $6.5M of funding for a ridiculous business (marketplace for buying/selling MMOG crap), while the company I currently work for, TrustELI, can’t seem to get any?
  • I wish I could figure out what would make me happy.
  • Someone recently bought some $300+ worth of stuff via one of my links–whoever you are, THANK YOU.
  • I wish I could just write my thoughts down like other people can. Why is this so hard for me? They race around my head but as soon as I try to type them out, they disappear.

I give up … I can’t just sit here and stare at the screen any longer. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.

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  1. Hang in there buddy! Try to focus on the positive stuff. Make good things happen, the best you can.

  2. Pete: Thanks … it’s hard to feel like it’s worth being positive.

  3. I have the same problem with getting personal thoughts onto paper/screen. You’re not alone or unlike a lot of people.

    Re: spouse – considering a few couples counseling sessions. It works if you’re both committed to it. It’s a chance to talk without fighting (nice to have a referee). And “happy wife == happy life” :)

    Re: California – maybe CA isn’t the answer. Every consider a college town where the college focus is technical? Maybe the problem is wherever you are in NJ. Of course, it may also depend on where your spouse wants to live.

    Go see your friends. The 5 hour drive is worth it. Do it, and then plan to do it again in a month or two.

    You probably know what will make you happy – the hard part may be giving yourself permission to go after it.

    And, as the previous poster said, hang in there. Many of your concerns are perfectly normal, although they may not feel that way. There are lots of us out here rooting for you.

    PS – free advice is worth what you paid for it, but I hope it helps a little.

  4. Mike: Thanks for the comment.

    re: spouse, we’ve been doing couples counseling together for almost 5 years now. My big criticism of it is that lately I feel worse when we leave the sessions than when I walked in, and I question how useful or productive it is.

    re: college towns, the “technical” colleges in New Jersey aren’t exactly yielding the most brilliant of minds. I know: I spent four years in a Jersey college and I’m nothing special and neither were my peers. New York City isn’t much better–the people are just better dressed there.

    re: knowing what makes me happy, it really is a matter of not knowing. Things that used to make me happy don’t any more, and I have no new desires. This is probably my deep depression talking, but it’s truly clouded my ability to figure anything out.

    re: visiting NoVA, you’re probably right. I’ll need to schedule it with the wife and make real plans. Strangely, I’m afraid of disappointment–that I do go through the effort to make the trip, and it goes badly. I don’t know how much more disappointment and sadness I can take right now.

  5. I wanted to have the time to adequately respond to this, so I’m sorry for taking a few days. The first question I have is “why are you posting this?” Is it just to let friends know what your mental state is? Do you want help, or do you want a hug? (or both?)

    That being said, and knowing that I’m coming into this somewhat blind….I haven’t known you very long, and I think you’re smart and motivated, a combination that’s very difficult to come by these days. I’m amazed at how much hacking you can get done, you’re probably the only person I know that volunteers his time more than I do mine.

    What if you move to CA and you find the same atmosphere? There is more of a concentration of geeky people there, sure, but you also may find that they’re all working at a place where they can’t divulge and share what they’re hacking on, or hacking may end up being a competition thing, not a cooperation thing.

    I guess the question is “what if this is all there is?” How can you shift your expectations, desires and needs to meet life? Certainly, if it’s feasible I think you should try to explore your options. Are there ways to do a virtual hackfest to see how many CA folks would do that kind of a thing?

    And above all *HUGS*. I can tell by your tweets that you’re craving friendship, not the online type one gets from IRC and blogs, but the tangible type where friends drop by your house randomly and call “just because”. You have my phone #, and if you want that type of friendship with me it’s possible. Start calling your friends and relatives…..When I’m down it helps to call and just have them talk, ask them about their life….I end up being a good friend and listener, and get to focus outside myself for a while.

    I hope time has helped, and hopefully I haven’t done any more damage. :)

  6. Sheeri: Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts; it is appreciated.

    I’m not sure why I posted this. I’m stuck in a rut and I can’t seem to get out of it. Different people have different ways of approaching the problem and maybe I was hoping something I wrote would jump out at someone and they might speak up.

    You’re definitely right–just being in CA won’t make the difference. However, in the grand scheme of “increasing the odds of meeting someone geeky” … the higher population of geeks in CA would presumably improve my chances, right? But, you’re right: just because someone’s into tech. doesn’t mean they’re going to be the kind of person I want/need to meet, either.

    “I guess the question is “what if this is all there is?” How can you shift your expectations, desires and needs to meet life?”

    Indeed, I’ve been repeating the saying “having low expectations is the key to happiness” lately–hopefully I’ll keep repeating it until I believe it enough to truly lower my expectations. But, it’s not easy for me. It’s hard for me to see life worth living if you don’t try to make something of it.

    I’ve got more to think about … and be careful, I might take you up on that offer and call you. :-)

  7. I hate being ugly.

    …How do you think WE feel. We’re the ones who have to look at you.

  8. Jerkweed: Oh, I know, trust me–that’s why I avoid mirrors and don’t leave the house much. That’s just my way of being considerate, I guess.

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