During this past Monday’s therapy session, I said something which has
been stuck in my head, so I’m writing it down. I said:

I’m shallow and I’m okay with that. But, I’m empty. I’m shallow and empty. Now, that’s pathetic.

I don’t hate my wife and kids. I have a wonderful wife and great kids. I hate myself. That’s what it really is. That’s the sad truth. I don’t know what “love” is. Before you can love someone else, you have to be able to love yourself. And, I don’t.

Tags:
therapy,
love

So, my friend Joe sends me a special invite to check out Revolution Health and I decide to check out the “BMI Calculator” which takes your height and weight and tries to approximate your BMI. Well, apparently, for someone who’s 5’3″ and 190 pounds, it thinks my BMI is 33.7 which it tells me is not just “overweight” or “chubby” but “obese.” Damn. I’m one fat bastard.

Watch out, or I might eat you in a fit of uncontrollable hunger.

Tags:
Revolution Health,
startup,
BMI,
obese

Fellow AOL’er Shawn Christopher emailed me a few questions in response my Ask Dossy post back in February 2006 and they got buried in my inbox. I ran across the email today and figured it’s about time I responded.

Shawn asks …

What is it exactly that you do for AOL. I belive reading
something from your KW: Phone info it’s something that deals with
programming Web Content however I’m not too sure.

Officially, my current title is “Principal Software Engineer,” which implies that I, well, engineer software … I’m not responsible for the programming of our web content. The confusion might be stemming from the previous name of the group I work in, which was “Web Services & Publishing.” Of course, none of this answers your original question, exactly.

Anything that you specifically “own”?

Philosophically, no. I’m a big believer in Extreme Programming, which advocates Collective Code Ownership. I’ve worked on a range of projects at AOL as well as lent a hand to project teams ad-hoc when they’ve needed help, but I don’t feel like I “own” a project. I’ve been responsible for plenty of things and certainly accountable for a lot, but I’ve never considered that to be ownership.

Even with respect to AOLserver, where I’ve been the Project Leader since May 2004, I don’t own the project. I see my role as being more a liason between AOL and the AOLserver community. I might also help facilitate discussion around features or bugs and ultimately serve as a decision tie-breaker when necessary. But, I still feel that the community owns the project and I’m just a humble servant trying to keep it moving forward.

Also what nationality are you because to be honest with you I thought you were female based on your name, it sounds like a femine asian name.

I’m a banana: half Japanese and half Korean, but born and raised in America.

Shawn, thanks again for the questions and I’m sorry it took me so long to post my answers. As usual, feel free to Ask Dossy anything … I may not answer in a timely fashion, but I do hope to eventually. :-)

Tags:
Ask Dossy,
Shawn Christopher

So, back in April I separated from my family because I just couldn’t live with them any more. After a month and several phone calls back and forth, my wife and I agreed to give things another chance and I came back home. Divorce didn’t really seem like a workable solution. The time apart helped me see that I really cared way too much about things that really didn’t matter. As apathetic as I thought I was before, I’m far more apathetic now and my life’s actually improved as a result.

After returning, I decided to find a new therapist. The one I’d been seeing for the last few years just wasn’t getting me anywhere. So, after a bit of procrastination, I’d made appointments to see a new psychiatrist and new psychologist. I wasn’t looking forward to starting all over again, but then, what did I have to lose? Towards the end of July, I met my new psychiatrist, Dr. P., and my new psychologist, Dr. H.

I’ve never tried antidepressants. Not because I thought I didn’t need them, but because I think selection is too random since we lack of sufficient understanding of the brain. Of course, the psychiatrist suggested I try out Paxil CR and started me on a 15mg dose for four weeks. Since my last visit, she’s recommended upping the dosage to 25mg and we’ll see how that goes. I’ll be finishing up the 15mg pills later this week and will start the 25mg right after.

If I was apprehensive about starting new drugs, I’m even more so about starting with a new psychotherapist. I’m not sure I believe that problems can be fixed by talking. In our first session, I speed-rambled through about 7 years of highlights between 1999 and 2006 as best I could in 45 minutes. I’m sure I missed a lot of important details, but I wanted to give Dr. H. an idea of where I’d been emotionally the last several years. During the conversation, I’d mentioned that I have what I’ll summarize as identity and acceptance issues: I’m perfectly comfortable with myself–who I am–and accept myself. This works fine for me in isolation, but unfortunately there’s a whole world of people out there that I have to interact with, most importantly my wife and children. My wife has her own list of my personality flaws which she’d like to see changed, but I’m extremely apprehensive about making them arbitrarily: I’d much rather be the way I am than change the “wrong” thing about myself and end up hating myself. So, Dr. H. suggested that I start keeping a journal (perhaps, like this blog?) as a means for introspection. This way, I can start looking at my life more objectively and come up with my own list of things I dislike about myself and then we can work on making changes through therapy. I definitely like this suggestion, but I need to overcome my inability to put my thoughts into writing which is a huge problem for me.

Consider this blog entry the first step in my self-improvement.

Tags: psychiatry, psychology, psychopharmacology, therapy, divorce, drugs, antidepressants, Paxil CR

If you were looking for the David Seville “Witch Doctor” song, I suggest you check out the Dr. Demento 20th Anniversary Collection. It is a 2-CD set and the “Witch Doctor” song is on the first CD, track15.

Thanks to Ze Frank’s 07-11-06 episode (transcript), I realize that I am indeed a brain crack addict:

[…] I run out of ideas every day! Each day I live in mortal fear that I’ve used up the last idea that’ll ever come to me. If you don’t wanna run out of ideas the best thing to do is not to execute them. You can tell yourself that you don’t have the time or resources to do ’em right. Then they stay around in your head like brain crack. No matter how bad things get, at least you have those good ideas that you’ll get to later.

Some people get addicted to that brain crack. And the longer they wait, the more they convince themselves of how perfectly that idea should be executed. And they imagine it on a beautiful platter with glitter and rose petals. And everyone’s clapping for them. But the, but the, but the, but the bummer is most ideas kinda suck when you do ’em. And no matter how much you plan you still have to do something for the first time. And you’re almost guaranteed the first time you do something that it’ll blow. But somebody who does something bad three times still has three times the experience of that other person who’s still dreaming of all the applause. When I get an idea, even a bad one, I try to get it out into the world as fast as possible, ’cause I certainly don’t want to be addicted to brain crack.

Time to start breaking that awful brain crack habit of mine.

Tags:
Ze Frank,
brain crack

This past weekend I spent reviewing what CD’s I have in the car, shuffling some music out and shuffling some new music in. As part of this, I burned another mix CD, dubbed Car Mix, July 2006. To give folks an idea of my broad musical tastes (or lack thereof), here’s the playlist for your amusement:

1. Runaway Train (4:26), Soul Asylum (Grave Dancers Union)
2. No Rain (3:37), Blind Melon (Blind Melon)
3. Tones Of Home (4:26), Blind Melon (Blind Melon)
4. My Sharona (4:56), The Knack (Reality Bites)
5. Locked Out (3:19), Crowded House (Reality Bites)
6. Tempted 1994 (4:07), Squeeze (Reality Bites)
7. But Anyway (4:09), Blues Traveler (Blues Traveler)
8. Hello, Little Girl (2:33), Robert Westenberg, Danielle Ferland (Into The Woods)
9. A Teenager In Love (2:53), Dion & The Belmonts (Live At Madison Square Garden 1972)
10. Runaround Sue (8:07), Dion & The Belmonts (Live At Madison Square Garden 1972)
11. Little Diane (4:35), Dion & The Belmonts, (Live At Madison Square Garden 1972)
12. Burn Up (4:32), Siouxsie & the Banshees (Peepshow)
13. I See (3:50), Letters To Cleo (Aurora Gory Alice)
14. Step Back (2:33), Letters To Cleo (Aurora Gory Alice)
15. Accidentally Like A Martyr (3:41), Warren Zevon (Excitable Boy)
16. The Origin Of Love (6:03), Hedwig And The Angry Inch
17. Bitchin’ In The Kitchen (2:31), Cliff De Young & Jessica Harper (Shock Treatment)
18. Duel Duet (2:06), Cliff Young (Shock Treatment)

These songs were specifically chosen because they evoke fairly specific memories about particular people from my past, or in some cases, specific moods or emotions that I was feeling at a certain point in time. In a way, these songs hold a special place in my heart, like a treasured photograph. I listen to these songs and they unlock whole portions of my long term memory. This is both good and bad, but I’m starting to realize it’s all good now, since it’s in the past and I can’t change it. I can only learn from it and make the present and future better.

If you’ve known me long enough and remember any of these tunes playing in my car when we hung out, or you’ve sung these songs with me, or listen to the lyrics and think they make me think about you … that’s something special we share together. Maybe it’d be fun to get together and do it again sometime.

Tags:
music,
iTunes

05/21/2006, panel 7: PHB says, “I know you were concerned that my meetings were using up all of the time you had for doing work.”

Damn, does Scott read my blog or something?

Tags:
Dilbert,
comic

(This entry is about Saturday, April 8th, 2006 — I only got a chance to post this after midnight, so it’s dated April 9th.)

This morning, my wife asked me to make waffles for breakfast, since I hadn’t made them in a long time. Although the batter is very similar, I generally make pancakes because I think they’re easier to make. Really, it’s about the same, but for some reason I’d rather make pancakes. My wife made a point to mention that I’d gotten the batter “just right” and the kids ate waffles and Suzie had chocolate soy milk and Charlie, Sam and I had tea.

Then, I started to pack my things. I started clearing through a lot of cruft on my desk, throwing out things that I’d been holding onto for no good reason. Holding onto things just because I could, not because I really needed them. Things I’d pretty much forgotten about but felt I ought to keep at the time. I’m sure if I’d known today was coming, I would never have bothered, right?

By about 1:30 PM, I was packed and my car was loaded. We had to run an errand to return some movies and get some forms notarized. Turns out the banks all close at 1:00 PM on Saturday. The municipal building is only open Monday through Friday. The police department doesn’t have a notary. In the end, through the awesome power of Google’s mobile search for PDAs, we learned that the UPS Store on Kiel Ave. provides notary service at $3 a page. We get our forms notarized and go home.

The kids want Chef Boyardee — well, Charlie does, she always does — for lunch. We get home and the girls go straight for their toys in the playroom so they can get back to playing. Sam asks if they’d like to say goodbye before I leave. Suzie’s first to give me a hug and I kneel in front of her and kiss her on the head, then she walks off into the playroom. Charlie jumps into my arms, her legs almost around my waist, and I catch her before she falls to the floor. She hugs me tight and I kiss her on the forehead, reminding her to be a good girl and to take care of Suzie and Mommy. She goes off to play with Suzie. Sam and I hug, a quiet, sad hug. She asks me to let her know when I’ve arrived so she knows I got there safe. I agree to, I’m not sure why, but I do. I say one last goodbye to the girls who are already off playing, like I’m not even going anywhere, too occupied to care. That’s okay, they’re just kids. Rubber dinosaurs and spiders are more important right now. For their sake, I hope things stay that way for a long time, at least long enough for them to forgive me.

I choose not to eat at home so I can drive on an empty stomach, but wind up getting food at the Wendy’s before I get on Route 23, anyway, with $6 of the gift certificates Sam gave me. I’d taken the cans of soda from the house when I left and made sure I had plenty of cigarettes for the drive. I’ve got at least five hours of driving ahead of me, if not more with the poor weather: it was freezing rain and sleet, in April. Even in Spring, the sky poured down its icy tears for me, because I couldn’t shed my own.

What remains of my life has finally come to an end and the buds and shoots of my new life are already forming. I hope this Spring brings beauty and growth, even if it had to start with water from frozen tears. Nothing worth having ever comes easy and this, certainly, wasn’t easy.

Amongst the many blogs I read, I periodically check in on Tim Bray‘s. Back in February, he wrote an entry titled Love Your Children, where he linked to Daniel Steinberg’s blog titled Dear Elena, which after reading the first entry, I had to subscribe to it, too. (If you decide to read it, I suggest starting from the first entry and working your way towards the most recent one.)

At first, I thought I shared a lot with Daniel, in that I am also the father of two daughters. From his blog, it’s clear that he has a lot of fond memories and love for his daughters, and his recent loss is having an incredible impact on his family’s life. I try my best to sympathize and as I read what more and more he writes, I’m filled with an incredible sense of sadness. At first, I thought it was because I could share in his pain, his loss, but I’ve never lost a loved one like he has; I really have no idea what he’s gone through. Then, it struck me: reading what he’s written makes me sad because I don’t feel the same way about my own kids. I don’t know how I’d feel if one of my daughters had suddenly passed away, but I’m haunted by the feeling that I wouldn’t feel the same way he seems to, based on what he’s written. Somehow, that’s made me feel–or, realize–that I really am the bad father I’ve always suspected I am.

This week, I’m busy preparing to get my things in order to leave this weekend. My wife and I are separating and in a sense, I’m losing both of my children. I have no idea what to expect, how it will and should make me feel, or if I’m even doing “the right thing,” but I know that the way I currently feel about my life and my family, I don’t belong here. I don’t belong. Those three words sound so strange but they sound so right. They really describe how I feel about me and how I fit into this world. I just don’t belong.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last four years now and I’ve been told that I’m not like everyone else. I’m not normal. I don’t belong. Maybe I’m not just a bad father, but I’m a bad person. I treat people poorly. I know I do. But, not just other people, I treat myself the same way. I don’t like me and I don’t really expect other people to like me, either.

I know that I mostly blog about random, inane crap, in this space. I’ve generally stayed away from personal subjects, mostly because I can’t imagine anyone would be interested in them. But, my life has really been falling apart and I seriously need some collective wisdom and self-help, so I’m hoping folks can give me their opinions and insights and help me get through things. I’ll still try to post random, funny and geeky things as well. It’s going to be hard for me, since I really disconnect myself from my feelings, but that’s exactly why I need to do this — to practice and get better.

For those of you who who will suffer through my troubles and share your thoughts, I thank you all in advance. I really do appreciate it.